Quick Links Meet the author Author's stories Email the author Tell a friend Rate this story

Remember to ask for sticky rice; it’s great fun! You eat it with your fingers and it doesn’t make a mess. Sticky rice and fish or pork balls or chicken over rice. It’s the real Thai food. Fill a plastic bag with ice and pour a bottle of Coke in it. Throw in a straw and take it to go. Eat it at the bus station or on a plastic miniature seat next to a little folding table under an awning while you watch chickens peck at the dirt and scooters go purring by. Don’t forget to notice their porcelain jockeys. Cute! (I know you won’t.) In front of you there is a steaming cart on wheels and an old woman stirring the pot or making home made toothpicks with a machete. Imagine yourself being her. It is easier than you first thought, isn’t it? Watch as an over-packed mini-bus full of tourists passes by, set down your chopsticks and give them a quick thumbs up. It’s your misery they share. Chew the meat off the bones and spit them on the concrete floor. Wipe your greasy fingers and mouth with a square of old newsprint. Smile at the children, touch their noses and acknowledge their mothers, then return to your own business. If what you ordered is not what you got then you must have been pointing at the wrong thing. Eat it anyway. When the bus stops at a rice shack for dinner at 3 a.m. do not wander far. You will be fucked and it will not come back to pick you up. No matter how tired you are, allow others to practice their English on you. That’s what you’re here for. And it’s good karma. Avoid guesthouses called, “Nice guesthouse” or “Cheap guesthouse”. These names were not chosen at random, and although they might be one, they are seldom, if ever, both. You may think those speed racer helmets they wear on their heads are funny but they aren’t. Don’t laugh. Actually, go ahead if you want; you’ll find your laughter meaningless soon enough. Drive on the left side of the road. Don’t forget! Learn to squat. It’s oddly liberating. Don’t raise your voice at the guesthouse receptionist when you are weary and dirty and hungry and have to pee. She has been through a thousand of you, suffered more than you, and her sheen is the kind of polish that doesn’t scratch. Don’t feel guilty when you crave a Big Mac or the Colonel’s own fried chicken. Resist the impulse to stop taking pictures. One day you will regret it. Buy a handful of pens and keep an extra on you at all times to give a child with a dirty face who tugs on your shirt and places his palms together in prayer. When he pesters you for more give him a rice cracker. If he continues tickle him on the neck until he leaves you alone. You’ve done all you can. When the reclining tuk-tuk drivers in Bangkok shout at you from the shady side of the street to ask where you’re going, smile and shout back, “Where are YOU going?” If they grin and ask, “Where you from?” Shout back “Where are YOU from?” When they ask how long you’ve been here smile and walk away, count to 10, turn around and notice them sleeping again. Ride a bike, ride an elephant. Take the bus, take a train. Ride in a tuk-tuk (“Drive slow, please, driver”), then walk walk walk and find a quiet place by the river to relax. Remember that just because they eat dog meat in Vietnam, chicken embryos in Laos, beetles in Thailand and cow intestines in Cambodia, that doesn’t mean you have to. Fool. Get drunk on Thai whiskey. Fun! Love your fish sauce, your Tiger Balm, and your $1 flip-flops. Accept that other drivers aren’t trying to run you off the road; they just want you out of their way. There’s a difference. Understand that you can either duck your head or keep hitting it painfully when entering the bathroom. The choice is yours. Notice the swirls and eddies in the river as you sit on the bank. Remember, they are your friends. The soft reads that grow in the shallows, that bend in the ebb and flow, that catch soft light and flutter in the late afternoon breeze, they are also your friends. And the sign that reads, “Eat here. Good food. But don’t steal the chopsticks. Ha ha!” It, too, is your friend...

More stories from Joe Franklin

More stories about Thailand